MONDAY, OCTOBER 23 This week that will shed light on the unconscious coitus of the "sexsomniac," the irresistible erotic allure of roadkill, and the evergreen pleasures of good and plentiful Hot Tips, kicks off today with a huge, poo-scented nightmare for passengers onboard a British cruise ship making a seven-day voyage around the Canary Islands and Morocco. According to The Guardian, the luxury liner known as Destiny comes lavishly equipped with two swimming pools, two restaurants, and three bars spread over the ship's 11 decks, but such amenities were recently overshadowed by the "series of blockages" that paralyzed the ship's plumbing system and left 1,450 passengers without toilets for three days. As word of the impromptu poo cruise made the news, a spokeswoman for the ship's tour operator told the Guardian that the company was bringing in a team of "supertechnicians" to fix the system overnight. Condolences to both the supertechnicians, who undoubtedly earned their heroic monikers by wading through gnarly shit, and the ship's passengers, all of whom learned the hard way that sometimes Destiny is a first-class cruise ship packed with crap.
•• Speaking of the world's worst noun, verb, and adjective: Today brought further news in brown, as the Guardian also reported on the "exceptionally antisocial" man sought by police after he defecated on trains across the country. "The vandal, who strikes by smearing excrement inside the carriages, appears to wait until he is alone before committing the offense," reports the Guardian. "Investigators can discern no other pattern to his behavior." (Not even his pattern of corn consumption?) Transit police continue their hunt for the man who's believed to have soiled at least 30 trains since August.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24 The week continues with some good news for Michael Patrick McPhail—the 26-year-old Spanaway man arrested last week after allegedly fucking a pit bull in front of his wife—whose reign as alleged-bestiality's It boy proved mercifully short thanks to Ronald Kuch, the 44-year-old man in Saginaw, Michigan, arrested this week after allegedly banging not just a dog, but a dead dog. According to the Bay City Times, the alleged necrophilia/bestiality combo was laid out last Friday, when an employee at a Saginaw daycare center called animal control to report the dead dog, which had been hit by a car several days earlier and had remained near the property ever since. But before officers arrived, Kuch appeared and, according to eyewitnesses, began "engaging in sexual acts" with the dead black Labrador retriever. When an animal control officer arrived and approached him, Kuch shoved the officer and attempted to flee. Since being found hiding in the nearby house of his girlfriend (identified as the owner of the extravagantly defiled dog), Kuch remains jailed on charges of crimes against nature and assaulting a law-enforcement officer, for which he faces up to 15 years in prison.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25 Speaking of hot man-on-dog action: Today the United States took another step toward the fulfillment of Senator Rick Santorum's (R-PA) crackpot prediction thanks to some highly evolved and much-appreciated doings in New Jersey, where today the state supreme court ruled that same-sex couples are entitled to the same rights as heterosexual couples. "The issue is not about the transformation of the traditional definition of marriage," said the New Jersey State Supreme Court in its 4–3 ruling, "but about the unequal dispensation of benefits and privileges to one of two similarly situated classes of people." Today's ruling gives the legislature six months to either amend the state's marriage statutes to include same-sex couples, or write a new law in which same-sex couples "would enjoy the rights of civil marriage." God bless the Garden State, and here's hoping their judicial bravery is ultimately rewarded with billions of dollars from marriage-craving gay New Yorkers.
•• Speaking of sexual minorities in the spotlight: Today New Scientist magazine shed light on the mysterious world of "sexsomnia"—a rare medical condition where sufferers unknowingly demand, or actually have, sex while asleep. Viewed as a variant of sleepwalking, sleep sex typically occurs between people who are already partners. "Sometimes they hate it," said sleep specialist Mark Pressman about the experiences of sexsomniacs' partners. "Sometimes they tolerate it. On rare occasions, you have stories of people liking it better than waking sex." Unfortunately, on other occasions, sufferers have been accused of sexual assault, and Canadian sleep researcher Nik Trajanovic is working to devise a procedure for diagnosing sexsomnia in legal cases.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26 The week continues with a motherfucking Hot Tip bonanza, starting with this submission from our highly evolved cousin to the north, Vancouver, BC, where recent transplant Hot Tipper Robert overheard a dazzling conversation at the "back of one of Vancouver's miserably dilapidated buses." The subjects: a male-female couple, middle-aged, seemingly homeless, definitely arguing. "The discussion went something almost precisely like this," reports Robert:
Woman: That ain't no gun he sold you.
Man: Of course it's a gun.
Woman: It ain't no gun. It's a horserace starter.
Man [now angry]: What are you talking about? You don't know a gun when you see it.
Woman: That ain't no gun. If you were to pull that out right now and shoot it, all you'd do is start a horserace.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27 From the guilt-free world of eavesdropping we move to the slipperier legal terrain of public grooming, on the wings of an eyewitness sighting by Hot Tipper Erika. "My coworker belongs to a pretty fancy gym," writes Erika. "This gym is so fancy there are hair dryers for members to use in the ladies' locker room. These hair dryers are located at a communal mirror. My coworker observed a woman use one of these hair dryers to blow-dry her pubic hair. In front of everyone. On hearing this story, I said, 'Ew, ew, EW,' then suggested we send you the Hot Tip." Dear Erika: Thank you. We applaud your instincts to share, but upon reflection, we question your characterization of the event as "inappropriate public grooming." It's expected that one would use a fancy gym's towels to rub one's pubic hair dry after a shower with impunity—why should the blow dryer be off-limits? Or would it have been just as disturbing if she'd been using her own blow dryer, and the inappropriateness stems from such a public airing of such gross pubic vanity? Either way, thanks for sharing.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28 Speaking of public grooming, today brings another such sighting from the wilds of Capitol Hill, as witnessed by Hot Tipper Ben: "I was sitting at the light on East Aloha Street and 23rd Avenue East in Capitol Hill when I spotted a woman at the bus stop, vigorously scraping the hair off her legs with a matte knife. Her legs were surprisingly unbloodied, considering she was dry shaving some pretty thick hair, but she obviously had quite a lot of work ahead of her." Was the mystery woman an ineffective shaver, an ambivalent cutter, or both? "I don't know," says Ben. "But after every five strokes or so, she'd pause and look to see if the bus was coming, then go right back to work. She seemed completely at ease."
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29 The week ends with a final Hot Tip, this one sent by Hot Tipper Gordie, another eyewitness to oddities onboard Metro, who was driven to record his experience in haiku:
Rolled-up pant, scarred leg
He applies disinfectant
Redmond—Seattle
Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
